8. Discretion and Privacy — What's Really Going On

Why Discretion Is Everywhere

Discretion is one of the most visible parts of the men2men world, even though it often appears through what is missing. You see blank profiles, cropped photographs, vague descriptions and men who are willing to talk privately but unwilling to be recognised publicly. Some communicate warmly at particular times, then become unreachable once they return to the rest of their lives.

From the outside, this can look suspicious. It is easy to assume that a man without a face photograph must be hiding something dishonest, that someone who avoids public places is ashamed, or that limited availability means he is not genuinely interested.

Sometimes those explanations are accurate. Often, they are only part of a much more complicated situation.

Men remain discreet for many reasons. Some are not out and do not feel ready to be. Some live with partners, families or flatmates who know nothing about this part of their lives. Others work in environments where being recognised could create professional difficulties, or live in small communities where privacy is hard to maintain.

There are also men who are entirely comfortable with their attraction but simply do not believe everybody else is entitled to know about it. Their privacy is a choice rather than a sign of internal conflict.

Understanding discretion does not mean accepting every request without question. It means recognising that privacy can come from fear, practicality, culture, family, work, relationships or personal preference, and that those different reasons affect what a man can realistically offer.

When I first started exploring, I was single but still living with my ex. We were in separate bedrooms, yet I felt as though I was living a double life in my own home. The place that should have felt private did not feel private at all, and the fear of being caught affected when I could use apps, where I could go and how relaxed I could be.

That experience taught me that being discreet is not always about being ashamed. Sometimes it is about managing the reality around you while you work out what you are ready to share.

Privacy and Secrecy Are Not the Same Thing

Privacy means controlling who has access to personal information. Secrecy usually involves actively preventing someone from learning something that would affect them directly.

The difference matters.

A single man who chooses not to tell his family about his sex life is keeping something private. A partnered man who is meeting others without his partner’s knowledge is keeping a secret within a relationship.

Both men may use the word “discreet”, but the situations are not identical.

Privacy can be healthy. Everyone has the right to decide who knows about his sexuality, relationships, sexual experiences and use of apps. You do not owe friends, family, employers or the wider public a detailed explanation of your private life.

Secrecy can become more complicated when another person is being denied information that affects his or her choices. That does not mean you must become the moral judge of every man you meet, but it is reasonable to understand what kind of situation you are being invited into.

A request for discretion may simply mean, “Please do not share my photograph or tell people that I am on this app.” It may also mean, “Nobody in my life can know this is happening, and every part of our contact must fit around that secrecy.”

Those are very different levels of involvement.

Why Some Men Are Not Out

Coming out is often presented as the natural destination for anyone who is attracted to men. For some people, it brings relief, honesty and a stronger sense of connection with others.

For others, the risks are real.

A man may come from a religious family that sees homosexuality or bisexuality as unacceptable. He may belong to a cultural community where disclosure could lead to rejection, gossip or pressure. He may be financially dependent on family members, live in a household where privacy is limited or fear losing contact with people he loves.

Some men have already seen how openly gay or bisexual people are treated around them. Their caution may be based on evidence rather than imagination.

Age does not remove these concerns. A man in his fifties or sixties may still fear rejection from parents, siblings or adult children. He may have built an entire public life around assumptions that would be difficult to change.

Others simply do not feel that coming out would improve their lives. They may accept themselves privately and see no need to make an announcement.

There is no single correct timeline.

A person is allowed to remain private, come out gradually, tell only certain people or never make a wider disclosure. What matters is that the choice belongs to him rather than being forced by someone else.

My Own Position on Coming Out

Only one person in my life knows: my best mate and flatmate. He was completely shocked, but he was also accepting, understanding and genuinely curious. That experience showed me how supportive someone can be even when the news is entirely unexpected.

My wider family situation feels different. Because of my parents’ and sisters’ religious beliefs, I believe there is a real possibility that coming out would create significant grief or even lead to being disowned. That is not a small consequence, and it is not something I am prepared to treat lightly.

For now, I see it as my business. I do not feel that recognising this part of myself creates an obligation to explain it to everyone else.

At the same time, I do not want to live by denying it if somebody asks me directly. My position may change as my circumstances and confidence change, but I am working through it in my own time.

That is one example of discretion. Another man’s reasons may be completely different, but the decision still belongs to him.

Blank Profiles and What They May Mean

Blank and faceless profiles are common on men2men apps. They may contain no photograph, a cropped body image, a landscape, a dark screen or a short description asking for discretion.

For someone new, this can be frustrating. You are being asked to consider a person who has revealed almost nothing, while your own face and information may already be visible.

The lack of a photograph may have a reasonable explanation. The man may be recognisable in a small community, work in a public role or live with someone who could see the app. He may be worried about photographs being saved, shared or used against him.

He may also lack confidence about his appearance or fear rejection once his face is shown.

There are less reassuring possibilities too. A blank profile can make it easier to behave badly, send inappropriate messages or avoid accountability. The person may be browsing without any genuine intention, collecting photographs or misrepresenting his circumstances.

The profile itself cannot tell you which explanation applies.

You are allowed to decide that you need a face photograph before continuing. The other man is allowed to protect his identity until he feels comfortable. Neither position is automatically unreasonable.

A simple response may be:

“I understand that you’re discreet, but I need to see who I’m talking to before I go further.”

If he is unwilling to share anything privately, you can end the conversation without accusing him of being dishonest.

Asking for a Face Photograph

Requesting a face picture is normal, particularly when the profile is blank.

How you ask matters.

“Do you have a face photo you’re comfortable sharing?” sounds different from “Pic?” or repeated demands after the person has already explained that he is cautious.

You may also choose to share first, although you are not required to. Some discreet men prefer reciprocity because they do not want to reveal themselves to someone who remains equally hidden.

If a photograph is sent privately, treat it as personal information. Do not forward it, show it to friends or use it to identify the person elsewhere.

The fact that you received the photograph does not make it yours to distribute.

It is also reasonable to ask whether the picture is recent. A clear, current photograph protects both people from a meeting built around inaccurate expectations.

Screenshots, Saving and Sharing Images

Once you send a photograph, you lose some control over it.

Apps may limit saving or notify users about screenshots, but those protections are never complete. Another device can photograph the screen, and an image can be stored or shared in ways you may never know about.

This is especially important with explicit photographs or images showing both your face and body.

Before sending, consider what would happen if the picture reached someone outside the conversation. That does not mean assuming everybody is untrustworthy. It means understanding the limits of digital privacy.

You may decide to keep your face and explicit images separate. You might avoid showing recognisable backgrounds, work uniforms, street signs or objects that identify your home.

Some people add a discreet watermark or send a lower-resolution image. Others choose not to share explicit pictures at all.

There is no universal rule. The important thing is that you send deliberately rather than because the conversation has created pressure.

You should also respect the same standard when someone sends a photograph to you. Receiving private content creates a responsibility not to misuse it.

What Your Profile Reveals Without You Realising

A profile can identify you through more than a face photograph.

Your age, suburb, occupation, body details, tattoos, vehicle, home interior and writing style may be enough for someone who already knows you to make the connection.

A photograph taken in your workplace may reveal a uniform, logo or recognisable background. A picture in your home may show family photographs, mail, artwork or a view through the window.

Even a username can connect to accounts elsewhere if you use the same one repeatedly.

Review your profile from the perspective of someone who knows you. Ask what could be combined to identify you.

You do not have to remove every detail and become completely anonymous. A profile still needs enough information to allow genuine contact.

The goal is to choose what you reveal rather than discovering later that several small details created a much clearer picture than you intended.

Location and Distance

Location-based apps create another form of exposure.

A distance indicator may show that you are nearby, at work, at home or visiting a particular place. Someone who checks repeatedly may notice patterns and make guesses about where you live or work.

In a small town, even a broad distance can narrow the possibilities considerably.

Some apps allow distance to be hidden, while others show approximate location or recent activity. Review the available privacy settings rather than assuming the default is the only option.

You may also choose not to open the app in certain places. Using it at work, at a family home or in a small venue can reveal more than using it in a larger public area.

Do not use another person’s distance to track him. Apart from being intrusive, the information is not always accurate enough to support the conclusions you may draw.

Distance is a practical feature, not permission to monitor someone’s movements.

Notifications and Phone Privacy

A phone notification can expose more than the app itself.

A message preview, app icon or sender photograph may appear on the lock screen when you are with family, friends, colleagues or a partner. If you need privacy, review which notifications appear and how much content they display.

You may choose to hide message previews, turn off sounds or remove the app from the most visible part of the phone.

Be cautious about leaving the app open or allowing photographs to save automatically into a general gallery. Shared cloud accounts, connected tablets and family photo libraries can create unexpected exposure.

Some people use a separate email address for app accounts or avoid linking them to social media. That can reduce the amount of personal information connected across services.

These steps may sound overly cautious to someone who lives openly. For a man whose disclosure could have serious consequences, they are ordinary forms of risk management.

Recognition on Apps

Seeing someone you know can be unsettling.

It may be a colleague, neighbour, family friend or person from your local community. Your first reaction may be fear that he has also seen you.

Remember that you are both in the same position.

His presence on the app is private information too.

Do not take screenshots, joke about it with others or confront him in public. If you know him well and feel a conversation is appropriate, approach the subject carefully and privately.

In many cases, the best response is simply to leave it alone.

You may block the profile if seeing him makes you uncomfortable, but blocking should not be used as a threat. It is a tool for managing your own visibility and contact.

Recognising someone does not give you ownership of his story.

Being Recognised

If someone you know sees your profile, the fear can feel immediate. You may imagine the information spreading through family, work or the local community.

Before reacting, consider what has actually happened. The person may say nothing because he wants the same privacy. He may also be uncertain whether the profile is genuinely yours.

If he contacts you, you can decide how much to acknowledge.

A simple response might be:

“I’d appreciate it if you kept this private. I will do the same for you.”

You do not need to explain your entire identity or situation.

If someone threatens to expose you, save the evidence and avoid giving him more personal material. Threats, blackmail or coercion are serious and may require help from the app, police or a trusted support service.

Privacy should be respected voluntarily. It should never become a weapon.

Married Men and Hidden Relationships

Married or partnered men form a significant part of the men2men world.

Some are in open relationships where contact with other people is known and agreed upon. In those cases, discretion may simply mean keeping the details private rather than hiding the fact that it happens.

Others are acting without their partner’s knowledge.

The second situation is more complicated because another person’s relationship is directly involved. You may not know whether the man is telling the truth about his circumstances, and you may have limited ability to verify what he says.

This article is not here to give a moral lecture. The choices a married man makes are his responsibility, but you are still choosing whether to become part of the situation.

His marriage will almost always shape what he can offer. Contact may be restricted to particular times, meetings may depend on his partner’s movements, and he may disappear quickly if he feels that the secrecy is at risk.

Even genuine feelings do not remove those limits.

You may be comfortable with a private, limited arrangement. You may decide that you do not want to participate in contact that another partner does not know about.

Both are personal decisions. Make them with a clear view of the situation rather than assuming the relationship at home is irrelevant because you are not part of it.

Open Relationships

A man in an open relationship may be completely honest about seeing other people.

That does not mean every open relationship works the same way. Couples create different agreements around sex, emotional involvement, repeat meetings, staying overnight and sharing information.

You are allowed to ask what the arrangement permits, particularly if the answer affects you.

A person who becomes defensive about every reasonable question may not be giving you the clarity needed to make an informed choice. At the same time, he does not owe you intimate details of his partner or relationship.

The useful information is whether the contact is known, what boundaries exist and whether those limits match what you want.

Do not assume that “open” means there are no rules.

Limited Availability

A discreet man may be available only during particular times.

He may contact you late at night, during work hours, while travelling or when someone else is away. His messages may stop abruptly when he loses privacy.

Those limits may be genuine and predictable. If you understand them, you can decide whether the arrangement suits you.

Problems begin when limited availability is treated as temporary even though nothing suggests it will change.

A married man who can meet only once a month may remain in that position for years. Someone living with family may gain more freedom later, but you cannot build expectations around a future change that has not happened.

Interest and availability are different.

A man may genuinely like you while being unable to give you steady contact, public recognition or flexible plans.

Understanding the limitation can stop you taking it personally. It should also help you judge the connection based on what is actually available.

Discretion During a Meet

A discreet meetup often involves requests that would be unnecessary in a more open situation.

You may be asked to park away from the house, avoid knocking, wait for a message before approaching or leave quickly if circumstances change.

Some of these arrangements are practical. Others may create too much uncertainty or risk.

You are allowed to ask who else is in the home, whether the privacy is genuine and what will happen if someone returns unexpectedly.

Do not agree to hide in a room, climb through an unusual entrance or place yourself in a humiliating or unsafe position simply because the other man is afraid of being caught.

His need for privacy matters, but it does not override your judgement.

A discreet arrangement should still allow both people to understand the situation and leave safely.

Public Places and Being Seen Together

Some men are comfortable meeting publicly as long as the interaction does not obviously look romantic or sexual.

Others are unwilling to be seen with another man from an app at all.

A coffee between two men does not automatically reveal anything, but fear does not always respond logically. Someone who lives in a small town or has a highly conservative family may feel that any recognition creates risk.

If public contact matters to you, discuss it before the meeting.

You may be happy with private encounters now but later find that never being acknowledged outside a bedroom becomes difficult. The other man may have no intention of changing that limit.

Neither person is automatically wrong. The connection may simply not meet both sets of needs.

Confidentiality After a Meet

Privacy does not end when the meeting ends.

Do not share another man’s name, workplace, photographs, sexual details or personal circumstances with friends without his permission. Even when you remove identifying information, be careful if your social circle is small enough that people could work out who he is.

You may need to talk through an experience with someone you trust. That is reasonable, particularly if the meeting affected you emotionally or raised concerns.

Share only the details necessary to receive support.

There is a difference between seeking advice and using someone’s private life as entertainment.

The same courtesy should be expected in return. You can ask directly:

“I’d like this to stay between us.”

Most respectful people will already understand, but saying it removes doubt.

Gossip Within Small Communities

Gay and bisexual communities can feel surprisingly small, even in large cities. People may know the same profiles, venues and social circles.

In smaller New Zealand towns, the overlap can be greater.

Gossip can travel quickly because people recognise descriptions even when names are not used. A story about “the married man who works at…” may identify someone immediately.

This does not mean you can never discuss your experiences. It means using judgement.

Avoid collecting or sharing information about who is on which app, who met whom and what happened privately. The fact that people use the same space does not make everybody’s activity community property.

Respecting privacy helps create the kind of environment you would want for yourself.

Outing Someone

Outing means revealing another person’s sexuality, identity or private activity without his consent.

It can cause serious harm.

The person may face family rejection, relationship breakdown, workplace consequences or threats to his safety. Even when you believe he should be more honest, forcing disclosure removes his ability to manage those consequences.

Do not threaten to expose someone during an argument or after rejection. Do not use private photographs or messages as leverage.

If a man has harmed, threatened or deceived you, you can seek support and take appropriate action without publicly revealing unrelated private information.

There are situations where another person’s safety may require disclosure, but those are very different from outing someone out of anger, revenge or gossip.

Privacy is not a reward given only to people who behave perfectly.

When Someone Threatens Your Privacy

A person may threaten to share photographs, messages or personal information if you stop contact, refuse a request or do not give him what he wants.

That is coercion.

Do not continue negotiating in the hope that compliance will make the threat disappear. Save screenshots, usernames, dates and any other evidence before blocking or reporting the account.

Use the app’s reporting tools and seek help from police or an appropriate support service when the threat is serious. New Zealand law may apply to harmful digital communications, intimate images and blackmail.

Do not pay money or send more content to someone threatening you. Giving in often creates another demand.

Telling one trusted person can reduce the power of the threat, even when disclosure feels difficult. You do not need to manage coercion alone.

Discretion and Honesty

Being discreet does not require being dishonest with the people you meet.

You can protect your identity while still being clear about your situation.

You might say:

“I’m not out, so I need privacy.”

“I live with family and have limited times when I can talk.”

“I can meet privately, but I’m not comfortable being seen publicly.”

Those statements give the other person enough information to decide whether the arrangement suits him.

Dishonesty creates a different problem. Claiming to be single when you are married, pretending to have complete availability or using false photographs prevents the other person from making an informed choice.

You do not have to reveal every personal detail. You should avoid hiding the facts that directly shape the connection.

Privacy controls access to information. Dishonesty changes the information itself.

When Discretion Becomes Control

A discreet man may ask you to follow certain rules. Some are reasonable. Others may gradually place all the inconvenience and emotional pressure on you.

He may expect you to reply immediately when he becomes available but disappear whenever he chooses. He may insist that you never contact him first, never ask questions and accept every last-minute change.

His circumstances may explain the rules. They do not automatically make the arrangement fair.

You are allowed to decide that the level of control is too much.

A private connection should still involve mutual respect. One person’s fear should not require the other to become invisible, permanently available or unable to express a need.

Understanding his situation does not mean surrendering all influence over the connection.

When Being Hidden Starts to Hurt

A private arrangement may feel manageable at first, particularly when the connection is casual.

As feelings grow, the limits may begin to affect you differently. You may want more time, contact or acknowledgment than the situation allows.

The man may care about you and still be unable to offer those things.

This can be painful because there is no simple villain. The connection may be genuine while remaining hidden and restricted.

Try to distinguish between what you hope will change and what the man has actually said or shown.

If he has been clear that he will never come out, never meet publicly or never leave his relationship, do not build the connection around the belief that your importance will eventually change those decisions.

People do change, but change must come from them.

Article 10 covers the question of when a limited connection is no longer enough. Here, the important point is that discretion can shape emotional possibilities as well as practical arrangements.

Protecting Your Privacy Without Becoming Isolated

Privacy can protect you, but complete isolation can make the experience harder.

If nobody in your life knows anything, you may have no one to contact when a meeting goes badly, your health worries you or a connection becomes emotionally difficult.

You do not have to come out broadly to create support.

You may tell one trusted friend, counsellor, doctor or support worker. You can share only the information necessary for that person to understand your situation.

A professional does not need you to arrive with a settled identity label before offering help. You can say that you are exploring contact with men and want confidential advice.

Having one safe person can make a major difference.

Coming out to my best mate did not change the rest of my situation, but it meant there was finally one person who knew the truth and accepted me. I was still private, but I was no longer carrying every part of it completely alone.

Privacy should give you control. It should not force you into silence when you need support.

Doctors, Sexual-Health Services and Confidentiality

Some men avoid testing or medical help because they fear being identified or judged.

Health professionals are accustomed to discussing sexuality, sexual behaviour and confidential concerns. You do not need to be openly gay or bisexual to access appropriate care.

Be honest about the sex you are having because the information affects which tests, vaccinations and advice are relevant. You can describe your behaviour without choosing a label.

For example:

“I have sex with men and want to know what testing I need.”

That gives the clinician useful information without requiring a wider identity discussion.

If privacy is a concern, ask how results, reminders and bills are handled. Check whether messages appear on shared accounts or devices.

Sexual health is covered in depth in Article 11. The privacy point is that avoiding care usually creates more risk than asking confidentially for it.

Privacy at Work

Using apps at work can expose you through notifications, location or colleagues who are also online.

You may decide not to open the app during work hours or to hide distance while at your workplace. Be particularly cautious if your job involves a uniform, public profile or small professional community.

Do not use workplace systems, email addresses or shared devices for private app activity.

A colleague seeing you on an app does not automatically create a problem. He may want privacy as much as you do.

If discrimination or harassment occurs, employment protections and workplace policies may apply. Keep evidence and seek advice rather than assuming you must accept it silently.

Privacy Around Family and Flatmates

Living with other people can make private exploration difficult.

They may notice changes in routine, late-night outings, unfamiliar visitors or increased phone secrecy. You do not have to explain every movement, but constantly inventing stories can become exhausting.

Plan meetings in a way that does not rely on unlikely excuses or create obvious risk. If you host, be realistic about who may return and whether the other person understands the situation.

Avoid bringing someone into a home where discovery could lead to violence or serious conflict.

Sometimes meeting elsewhere is less convenient but much safer.

Privacy requires more than hoping nobody notices. It often requires practical planning.

Managing Separate Parts of Your Life

Some men compartmentalise successfully for years. They keep family, work, friendships and men2men contact in separate parts of their lives.

That can provide stability.

It can also create emotional strain because you are constantly monitoring what each person knows. You may worry about photographs, messages, accidental meetings and contradictions between the different versions of your life.

There is no universal point at which compartmentalisation becomes unhealthy. It depends on how much pressure it creates and whether it prevents you from living in a way that feels acceptable.

You may remain private while becoming more honest with yourself. You may gradually tell selected people without making a public announcement.

Privacy does not have to be all or nothing.

You Do Not Owe Anyone a Label or Announcement

Understanding your attraction does not create an obligation to choose a label, come out or explain your experiences.

You may identify as gay, bisexual, curious or something else. You may decide that none of those words is useful yet.

The people closest to you may feel entitled to know, but the decision is still yours unless your private behaviour directly affects a partner’s ability to make informed choices.

Your identity and your disclosure are separate questions.

You can know who you are without telling everybody. You can also tell people that you are exploring without claiming certainty you do not feel.

Article 12 looks at identity and labels in detail. In the context of privacy, the useful principle is that disclosure should happen because you choose it, not because someone pressures, threatens or embarrasses you into it.

Respecting Another Man’s Privacy

The standard you want for yourself should guide how you treat others.

Do not search for someone’s real name, family or workplace simply because you have enough clues. Do not contact him through another platform after he has chosen to remain within the app.

Do not expose him because he rejected you, stopped replying or behaved in a way you disliked.

You can protect yourself and set boundaries without invading his life.

At the same time, respecting privacy does not mean ignoring behaviour that affects your safety. If someone threatens, assaults, blackmails or seriously deceives you, seek help and report what happened.

Privacy is not immunity from accountability.

Finding a Level of Privacy That Works for You

Your approach may change with experience.

At first, you may show very little and avoid sharing your face until trust develops. Later, you may become more comfortable with a clear profile, selected public meetings or telling one trusted person.

You may also become more private after an experience that made you feel exposed.

There is no perfect level.

Too little privacy can place you at risk. Too much can make genuine connection difficult because nobody receives enough information to trust or understand you.

The aim is to reveal gradually, with purpose.

Ask yourself what you need to protect, what information another person reasonably needs and which risks you are actually prepared to take.

You do not need to become fearless. You need a level of privacy that allows you to explore without constantly feeling that your life is about to fall apart.

What Discretion Can and Cannot Do

Discretion can protect your identity, relationships, work and family situation. It can give you time to explore without making decisions about disclosure before you are ready.

It cannot remove every risk.

Someone may still recognise you. A photograph can still be saved. A meeting can still be noticed. The more people involved, the less complete your control becomes.

Discretion also cannot turn a highly limited situation into an open one. If a man is available only in secret, that limitation remains part of the connection.

Privacy works best when it is realistic, mutual and clearly communicated. It becomes harder when it depends on deception, control or the expectation that one person carries all the risk.

Privacy Becomes Easier to Manage

At the beginning, every notification, profile view or unexpected face on the app can feel threatening. You may constantly check who can see you and imagine the worst consequences of being recognised.

Experience often brings greater balance.

You learn which settings matter, what information you are comfortable sharing and how to ask another man for discretion without making the entire interaction fearful.

You also become clearer about what you will not accept. You may be willing to meet someone privately but unwilling to lie for him, hide in unsafe circumstances or remain in a connection where you are never acknowledged.

The goal is not to remove every uncertainty.

It is to protect yourself without allowing fear to control every part of the experience.

Your private life belongs to you. So does the decision about when, how and whether you share it.

Key Takeaways

• Discretion has many causes. A man may be private because of family, culture, work, relationships, safety concerns or personal choice. It does not automatically mean shame or dishonesty.
• Privacy and secrecy are different. Keeping your personal life private is not the same as hiding information from someone whose choices are directly affected by it.
• Blank profiles provide limited information. You are allowed to require a face photograph or basic details before continuing, while the other person is allowed to protect his identity.
• Digital privacy is never complete. Photographs, screenshots, notifications, distance, usernames and connected accounts can reveal more than you intended.
• Being discreet does not remove the need for honesty. You can protect personal details while still being clear about your availability, relationship status and practical limits.
• Another person’s privacy should be respected. Do not share photographs, gossip, track locations or expose someone because a connection ended badly.
• Privacy should not become control. A man’s circumstances may explain strict limits, but they do not require you to accept unsafe, unequal or humiliating arrangements.
• You do not owe everyone a label or announcement. Disclosure is your choice and should happen on your timeline unless your secrecy directly affects a partner’s ability to make informed decisions.
• Support can remain confidential. One trusted friend, counsellor, doctor or sexual-health service can help without requiring you to come out broadly.

Next: Mindset and Overthinking — How to Get Out of Your Head

Privacy can create a great deal of uncertainty. The next article looks at what happens when that uncertainty moves inside your head: replaying conversations, analysing silence, seeking validation and imagining explanations for things you cannot actually know.